What to do when you hate doing yard work?

Gardening can be fun, but also a hindrance. I love the way a nice manicured lawn looks, but I don't want to do the work myself. I mean seriously. Work? ME?! Get the heck outta here!

On a more serious point, it's not that I'm lazy, but I have rather serious neck and back problems. I'm not supposed to bend at all, but hey, life is full of don'ts. The thing is that if I do bending at all, I can really only tolerate it for short periods and when you have 2/3 acre of lawn that needs work, then it's impossible for me to keep up.

Additionally, I have plants that I hate. I have some cacti on each side of my driveway that refuses to go away. I've had a number of people actually ring my doorbell asking if they can take the blooms. "Blooms?!" I say. "Take the whole plant!" To my chagrin they never do.

I finally paid a drifter to dig them up and the following spring, I had new cacti growing. UGH! Those bad boys simply will not die.

Then I have the elephant ears and banana plants that I also hate. Yes, I live in a tropical area and yes they do well without any help, but I hate them. They also tend to be rather invasive.

You see, it is my belief that if it isn't beneficial in some way or another, then it's useless. They don't produce fruit (food), flowers (beauty, fragrance, etc.) and so forth so what is the point? They're not nice to look at, in my opinion either. I don't want them.

Cacti make weeding impossible. Why on earth does anyone want them as plants? Ours came with the house when we bought it, but really WHY?

Then don't even get me started on the bamboo that is taking over my yard. This one is at least beneficial, but spreads like wildfire and there is just no stopping it. It grows instantly overnight. Bam! A whole yard full of bamboo when the night before it was grass. I think that must by why it's called bamboo. Bam!

So for years I've tried different things to keep these things at bay and guess what? Nothing works. I've tried the sheets that you lay over which supposedly prevents weeds and things from growing; it doesn't. I've tried Roundup and while it does kill off the weeds, it doesn't do so for any length of time. Now when I just looked for a link to Roundup, I found one that is Extended Control which is different. Still, it only lasts 4 months. I guess I could try it.

Anyway the point is that I've tried digging up, sheets, weed killer and a variety of other things and I still have plants I hate. What does one do?!

Any advice out there? Whatever the answer is, it needs to involve no heavy lifting or bending. I cannot afford a landscaper either.